It was Mother’s Day today; the third one since you died. I miss you and love you as much as I always did but it is getting easier to handle. I only cried once and that was just because “father” doesn’t understand. I can’t and never will be able to accept Joanna as my mom. I care about her and accept her as his wife but I’ll never let her replace you. He was upset because I didn’t get her a Mother’s day card. He demanded an explanation. I told him it was complicated. He said he understood but he doesn’t. His parents were together their whole lives. They died within a year of each other. He was never as close with his mom as I was with you; he told me himself. His father never had the opportunity to re-marry. Neither did his mom. I can’t even mention you without him getting upset. I can’t just forget you. Thankfully I get to spend tonight with Josh and by the time I get home, “father” will be asleep even though I’m only allowed out until 10:30. He’s still afraid he’s going to lose me like he did my brother. He still thinks I’m the 8 year old he left behind even though I’ll be 20 in 22 days.

You would have liked Josh. He’s been here for me so much and helped me so much as I’ve started to heal from losing you. There will always be a scar but he has helped me be happy. He has helped me live like you wanted. You didn’t want me to hold it in like you did with Don and Grampa. But it still hurts. I still need you like I always did.