premonition
Life, Momsie, Other July 18th, 2007posted with phone so excuse writing.
have you ever had that awful sinking feeling that something happened? where something has gone off in your neat organized and secure life? i had it the night my brother died five years ago next week.
have u ever had that feeling that everything in your world has changed in an instant? i had it the morning my mom died four years ago this november. next wednesday would have been her birthday.
i have both of those feelings right now.
have you ever felt that death and loss followed you? i do. ive lost six people in my life, the most ecent being my brother and mom.
im hoping these feelings are just the effects of next week being the anniversaries of my brothers death and what would have been my moms birthday. i hope it is just me going crazy. id rather that than be right.
July 19th, 2007 at 12:34 am
I have not yet known what it feels like to lose people so close to me, but it must be painful beyond my imagination. I just hope you try to cheer up soon because well… They would want you to be happy too.
Sometimes I feel that bad karma floated around me but I haven’t experienced too many close deaths in my life.
July 19th, 2007 at 9:10 am
I did have that feeling. It was a Sunday morning in 2005 and I woke up about 5:00 and the morning. I was quite startled why the lights were on and I sort of had a gut feeling about it. But then I remembered that my grandmother used to attend church during Sunday mornings so I went back to sleep and ignored that feeling (we sleep in the same room together on a double decker bed). Then I woke up again because I heard my father saying, “Nanay, anung ginagawa niyo diyan?” In English that means, “Mother, what are you doing down there?” I got up from my bed and checked out to see what was happening. When I went out of the room I was surprised to see my grandmother lying on ithe floor and she was wet with her own pee. A vein from the left side of her brain popped which was the reason why she couldn’t move the right side of her body. My father got her up and he and my mom change my grandmother’s closed. My grandmother tried her best to stop my parents from taking her to the hospital because she knew it would cost a certain amount of money. She could no longer talk. After a few minutes of battling my grandmother’s stubborness, they took her to the hospital and we found out that she got stroke.
She was in the Intensive Care Unit of the Hospital for twelve days and I avoided seeing her because I didn’t want her to see me cry. When my aunt and cousin accompanied me to the ICU, I saw my grandmother with all these tubes and wires connected to her body and I felt sorry for her and I kept on asking myself, how could this happen to her? I didn’t to speak. I was struck by a pain I had in my heart and I started crying just when we were about to leave.
Few days after that visit, I went back again to tell her that our Cheering Squad won 2nd place and how I wished she could have been there to see that. I wanted to tell her more stories like I used to. And I didn’t know that that would actually be the last thing I was going to tell her.
The night after that, we received a phone call at home. My dad answered and it was my mom on the other line. I saw a blank expression on my dad’s face and I knew that he was about to cry then he said, “She’s gone…”
I couldn’t stop crying that night. I lost the best friend I ever had. I lost my guardian. Somehow I wish I could turn everything back even for just a while just to tell her I love her. I miss her so much and I miss having someone to take care of me when I’m sick. I miss my Lola…