Dump him, He’s not “The One”
Family, Josh, Life April 12th, 2008Three drunk ladies cornered me last night.
My stepmom (J), her mom (E), and one of the women neighbors (M) got drunk on wine together last night and what they lectured me on repeatedly keeps bugging me for all the wrong-ness in it.
M: So how long have you and Josh been together?
Me: In May it’ll be 4 years.
All: *nods* Wow. That’s a while.
J: He’s her first serious boyfriend *looks at them knowingly*
M: You need to dump him and try out some of the others. So you can see what else there is out there.
J: You NEVER marry the first one.
E: NEVER.
M: No matter how good it is. You don’t know if there’s better. You have to find out.
J: Uh-huh.
M: It all changes when you get married. You become a slave.
J: After you get married, that’s when you learn. No more secrets. You share EVERYTHING.
M: You have to get one that appreciates you, that’ll be nice to you, that’ll take care of you.
J: The first one’s never the one.
Me: But what if they really are?
M: If they really are, then you’ll meet up again. And he’ll appreciate you more.
E: But you’ve got to experience what’s out there.
I don’t know, really, if I’m the naive one or if they are. Sure, they have more life experience. But they also are pretty stereotypical. “The first one’s never the one, but if he is, he’ll come back to you.” That sounds like shit to me.
I love Josh. We know each other inside out. I tell him everything and he tells me, if not everything, a whole helluva lot. He’s the only one that was there for me when I suffered through the after-pains of losing my mom. When my dad wouldn’t talk about it because he hated my mom, when my stepmom wouldn’t talk about it because mentioning my mom made her question her place, Josh was there. He’s the only one that has held me, crying. He’s the only one that I feel comfortable with, rambling all of my thoughts out in one long sentence. He’s the only one that knows what I’ve TRULY gone through. He’s the one that’s helped me survive. He’s the reason I’m not paranoid about losing everyone I love anymore most of the time.
They said that you learn the flaws after marraige. He’s the only person that knows mine inside out. He’s the one that loves me for them, regardless. I know his inside out, too. And, even in those times when they drive me crazy, he wouldn’t be the Yasha I love without them.
They said you don’t know anything ’til you’ve lived with them, ’til you’ve shared the bathroom with them, and on and on. They don’t know it but I’ve shared a bed with him, a bathroom with him, three weeks completely-every-second-with him.
The place I feel the safest is in his arms, my stomach against his left side, my head in his nook, my left arm across his chest resting on his right male-nipple, his left arm around me, his right arm reaching across to me, my right arm in there somewhere, my left leg across his legs. We fit together.
We argue but we make up. We disagree but we know how to find common ground. He encourages me to speak my mind because he knows I can’t anywhere else, even if it means me telling him when he’s being frustrating.
I can picture spending my life with him, having babies with him. We’ve talked about it, even. Our philosophies on child-rearing, what we wanted them to learn: their values, ideals, when they would be allowed to watch what, read what, do what. He’s going to be a good Daddy, ear-biting and all.
And I think back to what they said. He’s not the one. If he’s not, I don’t know what is. He’s the one I want. I’d rather be content (happy, complete, loved) with him than risk everything I have for a what-if.
And I think back to what they said. If you love something, let it go. If it’s true, it’ll come back. Dump him and if it turns out he is the one, he’ll be there. I don’t know about him, but if he dumped me and broke my heart, I wouldn’t be all-too-willing to give him another chance, especially if he played the field in the meantime. I’d feel hurt, as if he thought I wasn’t good enough. I wouldn’t expect anything different from him. I think what makes him the one is that he wouldn’t do that to me. And I wouldn’t–and won’t–do that to him.
To quote our texts back and forth earlier tonight…
Me: *poke*
Josh: I love u so much
Me: Talk?
Josh: Ill call soon my love
Me: 
im your love :D
Josh: Now and forever
Me: Ur my yasha now and forever
Josh: I love u ur the best i couldnt want anyone else
April 13th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
I’ll always be here when you need me now and forever
April 14th, 2008 at 4:06 am
This is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. I know for myself that you and Josh are going to last farther than any regular couple there is. I have faith in the two of you though I don’t really know you guys in person. There’s just something in your relationship that makes me believe in the two of you.
Pablo Neruda once wrote that love is so short. I believe otherwise. To think that you two have been in a strong relationship for almost four years and counting, I know the love between the two of you will never falter.
I’m sorry for the long comment. I was really drawn to this entry. I’m still young, I know. But I hope to find someone to spend my days with and talk on about the future with. Right now, I’m trying to work things out with this guy. I hope we get it right.
*hugs*
April 14th, 2008 at 10:13 am
I’ve heard that theory before - ‘never stay with your first’ - but it’s bullshit if you ask me. Karl and I have been together over 6 and half years now and we’re not planning on splitting up any time soon..
Some of the longest and most ’successful’ marriages I know of originated as childhood sweethearts.
April 15th, 2008 at 2:42 pm
That theory really makes no sense. From what I’ve read here, I believe that you and Josh belong together, no matter whether he’s the first one or not. If your heart says that it’s true love and you are made for each other, then you should not bother about what other people say or think. They’re not you. They don’t know how your heart feels. They don’t know exactly how Josh feels about you and how you feel about them. Let them think about the first ‘not being the one’. If he’s the one for you, then that’s all your need.
To be honest, I have ‘kind of’ been in this situation too. During the summer holidays last year, my Mom kept telling me that my current boyfriend was probably not the one, since he was my first. She said that, if I had never known any other long-lasting relationship, apart from this one, it would make me feel very insecure and unhappy once we lived together. Eventually her constant complaining made me break up with my boyfriend, claiming that I wanted to enjoy the freedom of single life. Worst mistakes I made in my entire life. There is nothing good or nice about being with a guy when you know you are still in love with another guy or even belong with that other guy. Luckily for me, my boyfriend and I got back together about a month or so afterwards. Really, it’s of no importance what other people think of say, in the end, your own heart knows it best.
April 15th, 2008 at 9:51 pm
my teacher, who is probably the wisest man i know besides my father, has discussed something with me along those lines. and he’s been through so much and i know he’s always got good advice.
he met his wife in high school, and they broke up for a while in college. he said “breaking up with my wife was the best thing that ever happened to me. i know that sounds bad, but that’s when i finally knew that she was the one for me. don’t get married too quickly, experiencing life from a different point of view only solidifies what is already there….if anything is there.”
i completely believe him. and it makes me think of what i should do in my situation. i’m really really young and i have all the time in the world. i’m not saying to just dump josh but i can honestly see where they’re coming from since they’ve been through it.
Response: Right, but would you do that with David? You two are already considering engagement. The thing is, me and Josh have been through times where we’ve considered other options and have come across obstacles. There was one time when I liked this other guy (crush) and considered my options for a while, but when it came down to it, I realized Josh was the one I wanted and not the other guy. (You know what I’m talking about; it happened to you too). It may work for some people to see things from another point of view–I understand that–but at the same time, it’s not the same for everyone. We’re experiencing life and difficulties but rather than dealing with them apart, we’re solidifying our relationship by dealing with it together.
It might also be that I already do have a weird perspective that helps me value him. I’ve lost a lot of important people in my life and, in turn, I don’t take people for granted (as much). I also know that he’ll be there for me through anything because he’s been the only one to be there for me through this.
The phrase I hear most in terms of this is “you have all the time in the world; don’t rush it” but 1) we don’t; I’ve learned that life can end at any moment and you can’t take time for granted, either. and 2) we’re really not rushing it; we’re staying together but we didn’t marry right out of high school, etc; we know our limits and what we need to take care of first (finish college, have secure job), etc.
I guess it is a mixture of both perspectives but it is also what’s right for the person. Things are never as cut and dry as “he’s your first, dump him”
April 16th, 2008 at 2:52 pm
What a ridiculous theory! I don’t believe that the first one is never the one. It may be true that the first one is usually NOT the one but never the one is a stretch.
You don’t need to listen to anyone else but you when it comes to who is the one for you. If you feel it, you know it, listen to that.
April 19th, 2008 at 7:55 pm
Hi! Was loitering around Faye’s blog and found your site! =)
Anyway, yeah I’ve heard of that bullshit that you should never stay with your first love.
I say, if your relationship is still strong then why should you let go of something so good?
By the way, your text message to each other just melted my heart. Especially when your bf said “I’ll call you soon my love”.
As I’ve said, don’t let go of something so strong and beautiful.
April 20th, 2008 at 8:18 am
Thsi is gonna be long, so bear with me.
Real love isn’t proven through “induced” tests like what was mentioned - as in, “dump him - and if he’s the one, he’ll come back.” No, I don’t think so. Pardon me, but this really reminds me of the “if you love me you would/wouldn’t do such-and-such” BS as well.
And what, “try out some of the others. So you can see what else there is out there”? That may hold true if you aren’t sure of what you want; but not in all cases. Fine, they may be right in saying that there are plenty of fish in the sea. And you probably learn/grow up if you’ve had more “experience”, yada yada. But it doesn’t seem to consider that 1) some are lucky that the “first” does happen to be “the one”, and 2) you can also picture for yourself what kind of guy you want before you start dating. Smart people learn from their mistakes, smarter people from others’ mistakes.
I can (probably) share your sentiments and stick by what I said because I’ve seen an example of “the first is the one” in my life - my own parents. Dad was my mum’s first boyfriend and it ended up in marriage. He only had one other “affair” before he met her, though; and it wasn’t as serious. Mum says she’s lucky that she didn’t have to go through the multiple heartbreaks like those televised in some teen soap. (And nobody better start saying that my parents are like that in love because we’re “conservative” Asians, OK?)
By the way, congrats on nearly 4 years together! =) Enough said.