Ealain

I think it’s funny. As you get older, your memory changes and you forget things. My dad gets many email forwards from friends and whenever he gets one he likes, he reads it to us. A few months ago he read us one of them. Tonight, in the circle that is email forwarding, he got it again. He read it again. My stepmom and her mom listened again. They responded with the normal responses again. My dad, my stepmom, and my stepmom’s mom all did not remember ever hearing it before. Is that what we have to look forward to?

My father believes that anybody online who would want to talk to me has to be a sexual predator. I mean, cmon, who else would want to talk to me?

He asked me why I was up until 1am last night. Coding. Does he believe me? No.

Well, you were up last Tuesday night until 1am also; what is it with Tuesday nights?

I’m online every night, usually until I get tired unless I have class the next morning. No class Wednesdays. I don’t remember what I was working on last Tuesday night but it was one of my websites and I can’t tell you when I went to bed. Shows you how “important” it was; if it was, I would remember. If I was doing something wrong, it would have stuck in my mind.

Then he gives me that look. That smile. The “I know you better than that ha ha.”

Have I ever given him a reason to mistrust me? No. Why can’t he just freaking trust me? Believe that I’m not online talking to any person and that I don’t give my name, phone number, and address to any old person. It takes me a long time to trust someone online let alone give out my information. I’ve said a little more in the last year but thats because I’m 20 years old; I’m not some child. And I don’t just post my name, address, and phone number.

I’m not a child, so what business is it of his? I’ve never done anything, so why can’t he trust me?

Oh, that’s right, I’m sorry. I’m guilty until proven innocent. And no matter how much I do right or not do wrong, it’ll never prove me innocent. The internet is this big bad place and every person on it wants to track me down, rape me, and kill me and I’m going to just sit around and let them; the only time the damn internet is ok for him is when he wants me to make him a website. I freaking give up.

I live in an area that has a very high cost of living and even if you have a well paying job, it is hard to make a living. My dad has been considering applying for some other jobs in the company he works for; it would be a change of jobs but within the same company. So, transfer I guess? Last year he was thinking Texas and now he is thinking Alabama. A job opened up there and he has the qualifications. He asked me if I would move with him. It would be this summer.

For one, my scholarship only covers Florida. If I move out of state, I lose my scholarship and either have to find a new one or pay for college on my own.

Two, I’ll be 20 years old in 19 days and I’m getting to the age where I’m going to have to get out on my own. I know he hopes I’ll stay longer (to make up for those 6-8 years he lost when he left) but I’m getting that butterfly trapped in a cacoon feeling. I need to get out. It isn’t that I don’t love him. It’s that I’m growing up.

Three, I’m not going to leave Josh.

But at the same time, I know he isn’t going to go and move and leave me behind. If I don’t go, he’s not going to go. I don’t want him to feel held back by me. Sometime in the next year or so, I’m probably going to be leaving him. Why does he feel it so hard to leave me? I hate to say it but he left me all those years ago and I needed him more then. I don’t know how to explain it to him. I try but he doesn’t understand.

I’m growing up. I’m not a little girl anymore. I might always be his baby but I’m going to get old enough to be ok on my own. Alabama might be what is best for him and, if he left, I’d be ok. I might stumble. I might fall. But that’s part of the process, isn’t it?

EDIT / May 17: He made some excuse and decided not to go.