Ealain

It was Mother’s Day today; the third one since you died. I miss you and love you as much as I always did but it is getting easier to handle. I only cried once and that was just because “father” doesn’t understand. I can’t and never will be able to accept Joanna as my mom. I care about her and accept her as his wife but I’ll never let her replace you. He was upset because I didn’t get her a Mother’s day card. He demanded an explanation. I told him it was complicated. He said he understood but he doesn’t. His parents were together their whole lives. They died within a year of each other. He was never as close with his mom as I was with you; he told me himself. His father never had the opportunity to re-marry. Neither did his mom. I can’t even mention you without him getting upset. I can’t just forget you. Thankfully I get to spend tonight with Josh and by the time I get home, “father” will be asleep even though I’m only allowed out until 10:30. He’s still afraid he’s going to lose me like he did my brother. He still thinks I’m the 8 year old he left behind even though I’ll be 20 in 22 days.

You would have liked Josh. He’s been here for me so much and helped me so much as I’ve started to heal from losing you. There will always be a scar but he has helped me be happy. He has helped me live like you wanted. You didn’t want me to hold it in like you did with Don and Grampa. But it still hurts. I still need you like I always did.

It’s been three and a half years since my mom died. And while it does get easier, the very reasons why it is easier make it so much worse. I don’t think about her every second like I used to. But I’ve forgotten what she smelled like. I’ve forgotten exactly how we fit together when I’d cuddle in her arms. Her voice has faded.

I’ve been going through some issues lately (as Aelyn and Xuan know; please don’t mention it in the comments) that I know she went through. It just prooves the point. On Saturday I was shelving books that arrived on shipment at work and one (an inspirational gift book for mothers) titled “Why Daughters Need Mothers” or something of the like really hit home. I read the back. It said that no matter what, daughters needed their moms and that moms weren’t replaceable. It was supposed to be an uplifting thought for mothers. It mentioned getting married and the first baby… She’ll never be here for that. And now, when I don’t know what to do on other issues (and know that she would have answers since it happened to her too), I don’t have her. But I need her. And it hurts.

Everyone says that she’ll always be here in my thoughts and memories and that she’s watching over me. And I know its true and it helps… most of the time. But not when I need her to physically be here.

I have a cassette tape of me and her that she made when I was three. It was basic conversation. Where are we going tonight? What are you doing Sunday? Just a mother’s effort to capture memories of her daughter at a certain age. But to me, rather, it is a memory of my mom. I way to remember her and her voice. And know how much she cared. I bought a tape player just so I could listen to it whenever I wanted. But tapes are easily broken.

So, the planner and paranoid person I am, I recorded it with the voice record function on my phone. A recording of a recording. And I connected my phone to my computer and transferred it. And opened it in Itunes. And have it on my Ipod.

She hated having her picture taken. I have only about 5 good pictures of her. I have one home video, from when I was born. And I have this recording. Two minutes and fourty-five seconds that mean so much to me. Easily accessible and protected by technology.